Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I have many caverns
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Möther may I have a snäck
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
why I oughta
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying