@mjkspeaks

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

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@Darlainky

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

@Skoog

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

@ClichedOut

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

@rocknthepurple

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

@KKAlThani

My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I’m craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.

@brendohare

Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)

@FredPollack

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

@numbertze

When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it’s best to remember they’re pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go