@PaulyPeligroso

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

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@Snow_Blacck

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

@ElmoYouNasty

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

@DanMentos

lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now

@Celestinelea90

My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.

@EndhooS

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

@KenJennings

The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.

@Haha_No_Mofo

My doctor told me, “DON’T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm.” CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

@hattiesoykan

naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg