Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
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When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
The Birdles
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.