Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

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HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?


Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.


Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy


lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now


My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.


Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff


The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.


My doctor told me, “DON’T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm.” CHALLENGE ACCEPTED


naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg