If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
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I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.