Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
mood
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Me too, bag. Me too….
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
be careful
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart