Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”