I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.
Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN
Me: Alexa, watch our kids.
Wife: wait, really?
Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure
– What’s your cell phone?
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.