@Chase_Observes

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

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@3sunzzz

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

@ClichedOut

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

@robfee

Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.

Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN

@NewDadNotes

Me: Alexa, watch our kids.

Alexa: ok.

Wife: wait, really?

Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!

@tastefactory

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

@Robski_Boy

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

@ilovepie84

I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure

@SamuelHLowe

– What’s your cell phone?
– iPhone.
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.