Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
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KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
WTF IS THAT!
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.