Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together