Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
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Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*