“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
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Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.