Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
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In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”