[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy
*Too lazy to buy a sponge
*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet
My wife is playing hard to get.
Just answered the door in my underpants. I said “Blimey, a talking door. What are you doing in my underpants?”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably