Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water


According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt


You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!


*Goes fishing

*Catches Spongebob

*Hangs him on my wall as a trophy

*Too lazy to buy a sponge

*Uses Spongebob to clean toilet


Just answered the door in my underpants. I said “Blimey, a talking door. What are you doing in my underpants?”


[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half


(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then


Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.


That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably