Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.