“You’re gonna die in 7 days”
[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Don’t blame me. You’re the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
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My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)
Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier