“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled