Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
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why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.