Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Body by sandwich.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*