Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.


Who job hiring $100 a second, I’m looking for a 7:00-7:05, nothing too crazy.


son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult


An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.


This guy says he rides a bike 20 miles a day, and then runs 5 miles a day too.

Yo bro, you gotta get a car.


at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back


I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter


Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.


If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.


Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”