Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.