Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.
The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*