I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.
cat: [running around chasing a laser]
dog sniper: god damn it
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.