Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
So glad we cleared that up
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Just ordered me some pizza!
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.