@CoreyKeyz

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

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@TimJohnish

I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.

@AntozWolf

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

@AndyRichter

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

@BallsMcBallski

The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.

@TheAlexP

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

@DanMentos

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

@copymama

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.