Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.