Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
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If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
How your email finds me
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.