Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”