Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
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WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
How to find Kentucky on a map
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.