Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
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Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
R.I.P.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back