Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

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[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to


Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.


Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.


When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, “Wow, I can’t believe it took so long.”


If Paula Deen’s new cookbook isn’t titled ‘Fifty Shades of Gravy’, I’m going to lose a considerable amount of money on the bet I just made.


Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse


assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?


GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”


An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews