Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
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never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did