Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
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“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Okay, I’m still confused…
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.