@dshack8

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

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@jazmasta

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.

@BatmanOffDuty

*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?

@UncleDuke1969

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

@TheSharona06

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

@AaronCSU54

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

@vajennilogue2

May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?

– how I get out of any situation

@SkunkFarts

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

@robwhisman

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

@DaddyJew

Me: I’ll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea

Me:

Clerk:

Me: I have a crazy idea