Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
You Might Also Like
*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Except you, cauliflower, you have to pretend to be other food.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?
– how I get out of any situation
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Me: I’ll have some cold water
Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water
Me: yall got ice?
Me: I have a crazy idea