Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

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Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.


Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.


ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear


ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that


Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck


[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do


This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.


They put babies on packages of toilet paper because that’s what we used to wipe with before scientists discovered they grow up into people


She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.


Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.