@asaltiercorpse

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

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@3sunzzz

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

@UnFitz

Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.

@fro_vo

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

@AbbieEvansXO

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

@TheCatWhisprer

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

@Tmoney68

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

@crushingbort

They put babies on packages of toilet paper because that’s what we used to wipe with before scientists discovered they grow up into people

@E_lok44

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

@withanewname

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.