don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
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Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.