Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella