“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
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Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)