Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
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[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.