Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
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1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.