My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
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Looks like my wife snuck a love note into my pocket which is pretty cute, although I don’t know what “DNR” means.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.
This kinda thing happens to me often