Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle