Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.


Looks like my wife snuck a love note into my pocket which is pretty cute, although I don’t know what “DNR” means.


I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.


Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?


*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.


I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal


*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry


My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.