Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.