Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
shit just got real
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work