@JasonLastname

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

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@abraveturtle

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

@shawnspree

Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)

Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?

Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?

@SteelCityDawn

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

@LarrysTwin99

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

@TrelawnySara

creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.

@offbeatoliv

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

@coolauntV

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

@girl_a_whirl

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

@TheMichaelRock

If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn’t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?

@ibid78

[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house