Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁