Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single


Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)

Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?

Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?


Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.


When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall


creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.


I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.


the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of


If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.


If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn’t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?


[plumber] well here’s your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet*
[magician] it was like that when I bought the house