@myonlymizztake

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.

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@KenJennings

LOL at people who “love seafood” but won’t even eat a silverfish

@baeblacksheep

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

@therepoguy

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

@trukelayser

By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.

@simoncholland

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

@ceejoyner

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

@squirrel74wkgn

People are so wasteful…I found a perfectly good hair brush while sifting through my neighbor’s trash last night.

@Darlainky

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.