LOL at people who “love seafood” but won’t even eat a silverfish
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.
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Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”
Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
People are so wasteful…I found a perfectly good hair brush while sifting through my neighbor’s trash last night.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.