Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
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I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue