Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.

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LOL at people who “love seafood” but won’t even eat a silverfish


Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….


“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”


By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.


I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.


Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.


People are so wasteful…I found a perfectly good hair brush while sifting through my neighbor’s trash last night.


Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.