Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.