Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
You Might Also Like
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Tastes like chicken.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing