@ItsAndyRyan

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

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@actualAidenn

my parents: how come you never socialize with the family?

me: *sits with family*

me: *gets insulted by entire family*

@3sunzzz

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

@mommajessiec

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

@SteveKoehler22

The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.

The remake is a box office flop.

A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”

@canadasandra

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

@elliepeek

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

@PopeAwesomeXIII

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

@OkieGirl405

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life