Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
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The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
i want to work in this restaurant
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES