@ItsSamG

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

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@TweetPotato314

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Me: Marijuana is good for my glaucoma.

She: But you don’t have glaucoma.

Me: See?

@msdanifernandez

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

@WhatevaConc

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

@iamfase

Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.

Somebody is lying.

@Turbo_Jimmy

Her: that’s disgusting

Me: sorry, I like to poo with the door open sometimes

Her: you shouldn’t be pooping in the car at all

@AbleLikes

I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste

@JohnLyonTweets

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.