Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
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i baked you a cake
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Some people were born into their job.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!