me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
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Me: Marijuana is good for my glaucoma.
She: But you don’t have glaucoma.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.
Somebody is lying.
Her: that’s disgusting
Me: sorry, I like to poo with the door open sometimes
Her: you shouldn’t be pooping in the car at all
I don’t think nachos cure hiccups, but I’m willing to test this theory for the good of humanity. I will report my findings post haste
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.