The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
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12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.