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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk