Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

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A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.


I just Googled ‘Nicolas Cage jokes’ and it showed me a list of every film he’s been in.

Well played, Google.


me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that


I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms


Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol


JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*


“As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?” – Mexican restaurants


Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…


Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.


me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*