Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

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Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.


You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.


I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again


My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!


Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.


My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go


I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.


No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”


When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.