@MandiAtRandom

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

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@Playing_Dad

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

@samstein

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

@slimmy_shady

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

@thejessbess

(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?

@stephenjmolloy

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

@Awk0Tacoo

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

@longwall26

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

@Crunch11b

About delete my Facebook account, I hope Stacey and Heather from the 3rd grade can handle the rejection.