@MandiAtRandom

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

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@saltymamas

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

@Fingers_of_Fury

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

@omgshuddup

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

@TheNYAMProject

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

@funnyordie

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

@mattsurely

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

@BruceForce

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

@KDonhoops

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.