@XplodingUnicorn

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

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@Ndeshi_M

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

@dave_cactus

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

@causticbob

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

@PleaseBeGneiss

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

@UnFitz

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

@ItsAndyRyan

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

@Cpin42

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

@Reverend_Scott

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

@charliedelta7

Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%