@XplodingUnicorn

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

You Might Also Like

@NewDadNotes

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

@nerdamage

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

@ChrisLaSacUK

I’ve been trying out the rum diet this week, I’ve lost 2 days already.

@KraftDinerr

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

@WheelTod

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

@JasonBerlin

1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.

@youngestneil

My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don’t brush my teeth

@SatansTongue

*at a concert*
ARE YOU GUYS READY TO ROCK
(Crowd)
“YEAAAAH”
LETS DO THIS HIT IT
*30 second ad plays first*