Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin