the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
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Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
In banana years, I am bread.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
A choir of Spring onions
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.