Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Why is this me 😫
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney