Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Whoa 😂
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”